I had a Hollywood dream last night, and when I woke up, I remembered it completely intact as an elaborate comedy routine disguised as a real event.
So I'm watching the Oscars, the broadcast, and it's this year's version coming up at the end of the month. The show is about half way in, after the best supporting roles and all the technical achievements have been handed out, but before the awards for the writers, leading actors, director, and best picture. On to the stage, unannounced walks Stephen Merchant, Ricky Gervais, and Warwick Davis, the dwarf from 'Life's Too Short'. Only Warwick isn't walking, he's being carried by Gervais.
What with all the furore created by Peter Dinklage's speech at the Golden Globes and his tale of a friend, also a dwarf, being tossed and severely injured by a drunk in a pub in England who was imitating the actions of an incident in another pub in Wellington, New Zealand during the Rugby World Cup where members of the England squad tossed dwarfs as a publicity stunt, that and Gervais' own history of what have been viewed by some as inappropriate jokes at awards ceremonies, well the audience erupts in a mixture of nervous, uncomfortable laughter and rather loud booing.
Undaunted, and with very straight faces, the trio approaches the podium and leaning into the microphone from his position tucked under Ricky's arm, Davis says, "Don't worry, I'm not gonna toss 'em".
The line breaks up the room, but this time without the accompanying boos, presumably because a dwarf is allowed to make jokes referencing tragic circumstances occurring to other dwarfs without appearing inappropriate.
Once the laughs have begun to subside, and still with a very straight face, Gervais gestures with a nod of his head over his shoulder to the large screen behind them, and in a very Cockney, South London accent, not his natural speech as he's from Reading I think, he says, " 'ave a look at 'is".
The house lights go immediately dim, and we're all treated to a montage of the best screen moments in the iconic career of Maurice Joseph Micklewhite, otherwise known as Sir Michael Caine.
Now this goes on for several minutes with scenes from 'The Ipcress File', 'Alfie', 'Zulu', 'The Man Who Would Be King', 'California Suite', interesting as it references another Oscar night, his supporting actor Oscar performance in 'Hannah and Her Sisters', 'The Cider House Rules', another supporting actor Oscar, 'Educating Rita', 'The Quiet American', 'The Dark Knight', 'Inception', and so forth.
The montage comes to a stirring finale with a close-up of Caine on the screen, and the audience spontaneously explodes in applause, rising to their feet for an extended ovation as the house lights return and Michael Caine in the flesh walks on to the stage, slowly making his way toward the podium, all the while acknowledging the praise of his peers, or more likely just his fellow performers.
Before the great actor can make it to centre stage, however, Gervais produces an Oscar that's presumably been delivered to him in the dark, during the screening of the film clips. He places it on the podium, gives one of his patented smirks with a nod toward the advancing Caine, says, "career achievement" in a slightly sarcastic voice, and with Merchant in tow and Davis now walking beside them, they make an abrupt exit with the statue left sitting unattended and awaiting Sir Michael.
After the audience has finally settled down, and there's quiet again, Michael drinks in the last few bits of energy with a very pregnant pause before announcing dryly, "I wanted Merchant Ivory, but I'm an actor, and I always take what's available."
Analyse that.
downandunder
